Okay, so. The system that brings me my sleep-hack medication is so convoluted that its inability to reliably deliver treatment for my condition automatically renders any commitment I might make into something tenuous, dependent on numerous circumstances I can't control.

Walking through it... )

The upshot of all this is that every thirty days, my ability to Person is left hanging by a thread, and I'm furious that all the interlocking systems are okay with that.
My current book is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I'm less than halfway through, but so far it's fantastic.

I want to talk about one of the exercises, which aims to shake out key bits of "how other people should change to make you feel valued". To do this, one is to quickly and without thinking much, complete the sentences:

* I wish other people were more ______.
* Why is it so hard for people to ______?
* For a change, I would love someone to treat me like ______.
* Maybe one of these days I'll find someone who will ______.
* In an ideal world with good people, other people would ______.

Continued inside... )
Between roughly March and mid-October, I was shuffling from the homes of friends* to relatives' and back again, spending half a week in either so as not to wear out my welcome, and heading out to Leavenworth (location of free housing, far from doctors & therapists) when I couldn't manage one of the transitions. It was exhausting and left me in a constant state of social overextension.

I am presently approaching the end of week 4 of 5 on a sublease and am finally, every so often, starting to have a spoon to spare. Of course, after this, I'll be right back to what's become the ordinary grind. That will last for a week and a half, then at the end of the month I'm off to visit [personal profile] premchaia_pre4 for a couple of weeks. That will be nice.

* 95% [personal profile] kistaro, to whom I remain endlessly grateful.
403: Reduce - Reuse - Reanimate (Reduce - Reuse - Reanimate)
( May. 7th, 2016 06:30 pm)
After learning in mid-March that my liver was markedly unhappy after six-ish months of danazol, I decided to give the Mirena IUD a try. Cut for medical content. )

Being poked and prodded for the ultrasound has ratcheted my pain level up to the point where OTC medications are not adequate, and it's lingering.

All I wanted when this saga started was to experience less pain, goddamnit.
The writeup has been lingering half-written in a tab for a while, and I finally finished it off because I need to reboot. Here it is.

Cut for medical discussion. )
As of yesterday afternoon, I have a "transition" refill of sleep-hack medication. W00t!

I'm still all kinds of tired, from the time on half-rations. That will take a little while to resolve. Appointment with sleep specialist to get things properly moved over to new health insurance is tomorrow morning.
403: Reduce - Reuse - Reanimate (Reduce - Reuse - Reanimate)
( Mar. 5th, 2016 07:00 pm)
Sleep disruption is a migraine trigger. (And sensitizer to other triggers.) Apparently halving my dose of sleep-hack meds counts as 'disruption'.

There went today.
Due to doctors' offices not being able to get their shit together enough to transfer my records (even after I did the voodoo dance to get them to actually talk to one another!) in a timely manner, the window of opportunity in which I could have a doc-appointment and get all the insurance garbage out of the way in time for a refill of my sleep-hack medication to ship to me before I ran out has closed. Launch postponed. Houston, we're screwed.

I'm stretching the amount I've got left by rationing it at one dose per night rather than the usual two. Which is why I've been up for nearly two hours and have only 5h of sleep behind me. Unmedicated, my sleep is located at random times throughout the day, in intervals of 2-4h, and has around 50% of full efficiency. (So to feel similarly alert during the times when I am awake, I now expect to need somewhere between 10 and 12h. My normal requirement is 7.5h.)
Not a one. After investigating the local thrift store (no major furniture) & potential for Ikea crap (cheap bookshelves... prohibitively expensive delivery to the boonies), it looks like my best option is going to be to build shelving for this place. Except there are minimal tools here. If this town or the surrounding ones have a tool library, it doesn't have an internet presence that I've been able to find. I should be able to borrow at least a crosscut saw and a rasp from Z's relatives, but I won't be back in Seattle until next weekend. I suppose that between now and then, my task is to draft the shelving unit and how I envision its pieces fitting together. Not least because 'holds together firmly, yet disassembles with a little work' is a very desirable feature and not one you'll get without planning.

I have, at least, swapped the shower fixture out for my own. That will make being here a great deal more pleasant.

But seriously now. Drafting. Lumber. Bookcases. Must find out if the nearest hardware store will pre-cut your lumber and/or plywood to size.
Recovery day at a relative's house in the greater Seattle area (approx. Bellevue). We'll be spending Shabbat here, then heading out to the boonies Ski-landia on Sunday. Likely to be scarce online until arrival, because local wifi is recalcitrant.

Spent much of the afternoon with the Sibley Guide to Birds, trying to ID little brown fluttery critters. (Of note: the local "Oregon chickadee" is a variety of dark-eyed junco. For some reason, the local nuthatches tend to have one or more white seams between regions of color.)
403: (Tetris)
( Feb. 16th, 2016 03:09 am)
This move has been a right clusterfuck, and not in the fun way. But we're out as of 2/14 (during which, it was so cold that Boston harbor was steaming), and had all the resulting boxes & furniture shoved into Tetrisland (AKA storage unit) early the next morning. I administrated my ass off, in exchange for Z taking on the vast majority of lugging boxes downstairs. [personal profile] plures' help has been invaluable throughout.

Then we fell over and slept for 16-20h, each. Badly needed.

Presently T-40h to departure for Seattle. Still need to refactor luggage, sort a last handful of items into 'important enough to ship or drag with us' vs. 'drop off at storage unit', and usefully dispose of the last contents of the chest freezer (which are currently sitting outside in a cooler, to take advantage of this past weeks' deep-freeze conditions).
Plan A was to ask around among friends - nobody's looking for a cat just now. Plan B was to put the word out around our synagogue - resident cat-fancier hasn't been seen lately, and nobody else has shown interest. Plan C was a long-shot with one of my SIL's friends who'd recently had to put down her cat of many years - no-go, because she has too much chaos in her life to add more responsibilities.

Plan of last resort? Solicit help from the Internets at large. Signal boosting to any Bostonians you readers might know is definitely appreciated.
403: (Tetris)
( Jan. 1st, 2016 04:37 pm)
Today, we gave notice to our landlord that we'll be moving at the end of the month.

*cracks knuckles* Time to get packing.
How to get rid of your landlord and socialize American housing, in 3 easy steps.
 Homelessness, unaffordable urban real estate, devastating gentrification, and the housing bubble are all rooted in privatized housing.
- J. Myerson, writing for The Nation

Very, very interesting. Applicable to more than just U.S. residents.
I just realized that it's been a couple of months since I wrote anything here. I'm trying to be more consistent than that.

Mostly what's been happening in the intervening time is that depression has been kicking my ass. I got a little bit of relief while on vacation in Seattle, but that was also only a little bit of time, and now it's back in full force. Most (75%? More?) of the intrinsic reward that I depend on for motivation to do much of anything has simply evaporated into the ether, so far as I can tell. If nothing else, the habit I've needed to cultivate these past several years of 'eat every 4h like clockwork' is standing up well under stress testing, even if what gets eaten is banana-and-yogurt rather than a proper meal. Cooked food was an early casualty to the acute shortage of fucks to give, but regularly putting something in my stomach has not been.

I'm finding this difficult from another, unexpected direction. Some 2/3 of my life was lived in an environment where the family-unit (whatever its variable composition) had no resources to deal with awareness of my problems, let alone the problems themselves. And so I learned to wear the mask of okayness everywhere, to reinforce it at home, and to withdraw from people so that they wouldn't be burdened by my needs*. But right now, living with Z, there is no place to withdraw to. And I'm malfunctioning too badly to keep up a socially acceptable veneer, no matter how my conditioned reflexes scream that Bad Things Will Happen.

The fact is that my problems right now are a weight on Z, when he's already operating near the limit of what he can handle. I can see that my inability to get traction on dealing with the current MDE is deeply frustrating to him. (It frustrates me as well, of course, when I can feel anything besides the undifferentiated greyness.) And yet, he's still here. He has not rejected me for this un-chosen thing that my brain does, or backed away from my suffering out of self-preservation. I am inexpressibly grateful to him.

Now if only I could find where my unwanted programming lives and shove his counterexample down its throat.

* This meshes interestingly with having also picked up such a degree of hypervigilance in any social situation that it doesn't leave enough attention for being aware of what I need, much less what I feel. At any given time, which failtastic bit of programming predominates?
403: Caffiene molecule in yellow and blue. (Caffiene)
( Aug. 21st, 2015 02:00 am)
Have arrived at my in-laws' house. Taking a bit of time to snack and recover brains, because doing that 'bed' thing in a new place requires setup. Mostly flailing at CPAP devices, because there's never a power outlet or a shelf quite where you need them.
403: Listen to the song of the paper cranes... (Cranesong)
( Aug. 20th, 2015 03:44 am)
Spent Wednesday doing ALL the laundry, and packing my share of it. This evening [livejournal.com profile] zeightyfiv and I fly out to Seattle, where we'll arrive in the small hours of tomorrow morning. Going to be there visiting family until 9/6. If you'd care to have lunch/tea/blackberry picking/alien invasion with us, do please get in touch. :)

Coordinating to meet is going to be extra-awkward for a bit. I lost my phone on Monday, and until it's replaced, can't receive calls (mostly) or text messages (at all). Z hacked together a Frankenphone for me that can make outgoing calls, but it's barely more useful than a dumb landline. Please use IM or e-mail for all contact until otherwise noted.


403: Listen to the song of the paper cranes... (Default)


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