If you could send information back in time...

[403]

Hi, me, it's you.

No, I don't expect you to believe me just like that. [Redacted], all those years ago, was not an ideal way to relieve boredom or express loneliness, even if the adults thought it was someone else, yah?

If this is arriving as intended, the year is 1998 and your mom either just has or is just about to divorce That Asshole for cheating on her, and you're moving into a room that you don't have to share with either sister.

Now, if you let yourself be talked into a conventional path, the next six years are going to be a tire fire. You're unlikely to be allowed out of middle school early, but you can and should take the GED to test out of high school, as soon as possible. You won't miss anything but torture.

Speaking of which, it's not normal to be in pain all the time. Get yourself to a doctor and have that looked at. Especially your left knee, which will get worse without treatment. The physical therapy exercises for it will be irritating, but keeping up with them indefinitely is better than having arthritis before you're 30, trust me on this one.

In a related vein, estrogen and (especially) progesterone make you more anxious, and more depressed. You've already decided not to reproduce, so you have little to gain from leaving your ovaries active, and quite a lot to lose. Also, if you can make a case about having back problems, you can get health insurance to cover breast reduction surgery. You're welcome.

A couple of items that you may need to learn the hard way, but I'd feel awful if I didn't try to warn you about:
1) Don't get romantically involved with normal people; it just doesn't go well. You will not be able to meet one another's emotional needs over the long run.
2) Sever all ties with the sperm donor. Especially, don't do anything that would make it easier for him to be in the same location as your younger sister. You will eventually remember why this is necessary. --Still hesitating? You know how he had to have his skull reconstructed when you were eight? Brain damage means that the person you knew is already gone. I'm sorry.

Past events may already have baked in roughly the same amount of suffering for you as I've had to deal with. If so, zazen meditation will help keep you alive, and metta meditation will help you find things worth living for.

On the positive side, college will be the learning environment that you've always wanted. While you're there, be sure to take some studio art classes - they're exactly what you've been wanting but didn't know how to find.

A last note.. You know that uncomfortable feeling you have when people noticeably gender you as female? That's not going to go away. Heed it.

If you're able to use this information well, you'll be able to claim four or more years of your life which in this timeline were needlessly wasted. Wind to your wings.

Love,
- You