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What is this 'less than okay' that I mention?
It's a marked understatement, for one thing. And when I examine my reasons for making it, I don't like what I see. Shame, and fear that any revealed weakness will be used against me. Neither is a feature of the circles I move in today, so I'm working to dismantle the hold they have on my actions. It'll do me good to put this out here, regardless of response or lack thereof.
The only way I know to describe it is from the inside. So, put yourself in my shoes for a moment. What is 'less than okay'?
It's never knowing whether you'll wake up with enough emotional energy to get out the door in the morning. It's discovering when you're nearly ready that, in fact, you don't and going back to bed to cry. It's feeling guilty when you get some shred of relief or happiness afterwards, because you still didn't meet your obligation(s).
It's viscerally knowing that your brain doesn't distinguish between physical and emotional pain. It's observing a positive feedback loop between the two: where stress ties your muscles in knots, which yank on damaged joints, which complain about it, which makes you feel more awful and stressed. It's finding a kind of relief when something (physical or emotional) hurts too much to permit coherent thought, because then at least you don't have to listen to yourself.
It's forgetting that there are activities you enjoy. Forgetting that company can be pleasant. And if you remember and manage to do something about that, it's being unable to figure out enough to say to carry your end of a conversation.
It's losing track of the connection between your mind and your body, and when you find it again, discovering that the threads which guide intent into action are now greased and treacherous. It's finally working up the energy to do something, and then being unable to get traction in your body to make it happen.
It's being near-paralyzed with anxiety whenever you're asked for any kind of deliverable - particularly homework. It's feeling angry with yourself a good bit of the time, over most of the above list. Which remains insufficient to fix them.
It's knowing that this is with medication, and you used to be in worse shape.
The only way I know to describe it is from the inside. So, put yourself in my shoes for a moment. What is 'less than okay'?
It's never knowing whether you'll wake up with enough emotional energy to get out the door in the morning. It's discovering when you're nearly ready that, in fact, you don't and going back to bed to cry. It's feeling guilty when you get some shred of relief or happiness afterwards, because you still didn't meet your obligation(s).
It's viscerally knowing that your brain doesn't distinguish between physical and emotional pain. It's observing a positive feedback loop between the two: where stress ties your muscles in knots, which yank on damaged joints, which complain about it, which makes you feel more awful and stressed. It's finding a kind of relief when something (physical or emotional) hurts too much to permit coherent thought, because then at least you don't have to listen to yourself.
It's forgetting that there are activities you enjoy. Forgetting that company can be pleasant. And if you remember and manage to do something about that, it's being unable to figure out enough to say to carry your end of a conversation.
It's losing track of the connection between your mind and your body, and when you find it again, discovering that the threads which guide intent into action are now greased and treacherous. It's finally working up the energy to do something, and then being unable to get traction in your body to make it happen.
It's being near-paralyzed with anxiety whenever you're asked for any kind of deliverable - particularly homework. It's feeling angry with yourself a good bit of the time, over most of the above list. Which remains insufficient to fix them.
It's knowing that this is with medication, and you used to be in worse shape.